Sunday 16 August 2020

The grass isn't angrier on the other side

Those of you who know me know that a few years ago (12 at the time of writing) I went through a fairly eventful period of my life where, amongst other things, I found out about my autism, my anger management and my inability to switch off no matter how much I tried.

To cut a long story short, I found myself relapsing in 2018 but this time, armed with more knowledge, I caught it before it had time to manifest and got myself some professional help again. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t have a good time that summer (it more or less lasted from the end of spring to the end of August) but I did learn a lot.

Anger and rage were huge problems for me and I’ve since learned to understand that these facets of my persona are just that – part of me. In 2008 I hated that I lost control when I was angry and when you’re angry all the time (or at least it felt that way) we’re talking about a lot of hate.

I’ve come to understand this side of me to the extent where I laugh internally when the warning signs start rearing their heads. Now here’s the kicker – I miss being able to get mad! Maybe it’s the choice being taken away from me?

I don’t know. It sounds stupid doesn’t it? I want to recover the thing that I’ve spent the last 12 years learning to manage and appreciate.

I don’t deserve nice things.